A year and 10 months ago, I stopped blogging. In fact, I stopped doing alot of things.
In the throes of a job that had promised so much and delivered so little, I found myself regularly working 10 and 12 hour days, putting time in on weekends and basically being so stressed and exhausted that I had little room for anything else.
Blogging, reading for pleasure, shopping, traveling -- it all went away, as I focued 98% of my energy on work and the office. When I did take the occasional day off, most times, it was due to illness -- sinus infections, migraine headaches, killer allergies, back or stomach problems.
I felt like a hamster on a wheel, unable to get off. A very tired, frustrated and sad hamster.
A year ago, I left that job and took another. Over the past year, the changes have been amazing! While I'm now working for less pay and prestige, there is less stress, less hours, less minor illnesses and alot more positives.
I moved to another city and am much happier than I was in the small, rural town I had been working in; I've reconnected with old friends, made several new ones and have a social life again. I took my first real vacation in 7 years -- I not only left town, I left the country!
And at least once a week, when either leaving my office, or on my way to lunch with co-workers, I find myself smiling, unbelieving of how much happier I now am and how truly miserable I had been just over a year ago!
I also have more time for socializing, reading, shopping, exercising, and now, have decided to come back to blogging.
Yesterday, I hit a landmark -- my 40th birthday. While physically and even mentally, I really don't feel any different, I have noticed a change in my mindset.
Part of me wonders if, on a professional level, I'm settling. Taking the easy way out, simply because my prior executive-level positions were very demanding, stressful and downright brutal in the politics, powerplays and behind-the-scenes ego trips and personal agendas of those in higher positions.
Should I have stuck it out, worked and fought harder, until either things got better or I found a similar position with better working conditions? Did I cop out? Am I selling myself short?
The new job, while in a city, at a much bigger company, and still somewhat managerial, did include a significant paycut, and a much lesser title. (Although that was more than balanced out by increased vacation time, better benefits and a friendlier, more progressive work environment.)
I am now mulling things over in my mind. If I'm to make another run at the executive brass ring, I'll need to do so within the next couple of years. That will mean yet another change. And that makes me think -- do I want to be the type of person whose main focus and identity is their job? And what will I really have to show for it, in the end?
Right now, I'm loving my life -- something I haven't been able to say for several years now. I work in an office where we all get along, there is a total team atmosphere and it is devoid of the types of politics and game-playing I had to deal with before. I not only have fun after work, I have fun AT work. And I love all the aspects of my job.
I'm happier, healthier, more relaxed. And there is a part of me that has started realizing I think I prefer being a mid-level cog in the wheel, rather than being the wheel, or the one turning the wheel. That perhaps, even though I know I have the smarts for the top position, I don't necessarily have the stomach for it -- and I can be much more effective slightly lower down the food chain.
That thought scares me in a way, because I always took so much pride in being the independent, strong, career-woman. And now, I'm hanging up that hat, preferring the worker bee cap more.
Part of me wants to fight that urge -- to forego happiness and contentment -- in order to rise to the top again. However, I already know from my past experiences, that for me, it was unhappy and lonely, and bittersweet.
So, at the ripe young age of 40, I think I've finally figured out what I want to do with the rest of my life. And the vision has started to become a bit clearer -- I no longer need the title or the big paycheck to find fulfillment. I'm coming to the realization that I'd rather have a more balanced, well-rounded life -- one that allows me the time and focus to participate and enjoy other things.
Next month, I kick-start a new diet and will be taking ballroom-dancing lessons; I"m joining a gym; getting involved in my alumni group, and planning my next vacation -- right now, two very viable choices are Vegas and Spain.
A little over a year ago -- I wouldn't have been able to plan or participate in any of those things. I was living day to day, planning things around my excessive work schedule and sacrificing everything else for the job. And still not succeeding in the way I wanted to be.
Now, I am very fulfilled at work on all levels; and have found more personal fulfillment and personal happiness.
So, I guess maybe I was wrong. I have become different since turning 40!
2 comments:
Good for you, funnygirl! I've had the same process of realization too, in my field (scientific research). At age 38 I took a job as a support staff scientist in a research institute, and gave up the race for a faculty position. The first 5-6 years I was very bitter about it, but have come to really be thrilled with the choice. I'll be turning 50 in a few weeks, and feel that the compromise was great! I still have an interesting job, albeit without the glamour and credit that come with the faculty position. But instead I have TIME, peace of mind, and much more ability to focus on my husband, kids, family and friends. Humility can be a very liberating thing, no?
Yes indeed, Shari. Never thought of it as humility before, but I suppose that is it.
I have to admit that part of me misses having the title and prestige, and yeah, even, sometimes the stress (believe it or not) that comes with a higher level position, but I totally cherish the peace of mind, satisfaction, ME time and saneness that was the tradeoff!
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