I Am FAT!

OMG!

There is no denying it. I am officially fat.

I have been in denial for quite some time now. I always blamed it on the camera angle, or the fact that the camera adds 10 pounds. Or the fact that I have always photographed horribly.

But I can't deny it any longer.

I am FAT!

I can't deny it because I can FEEL it, dammit!

A couple of weeks ago I was at a birthday party. There was dancing and while for most of the night I refrained from dancing at one point the DJ played "I will survive." A song I love. A song I almost always dance to. My cousin's girlfriend was there -- a wisp of a girl and she skipped out onto the dance floor. My other cousin and I followed.

I anticipated having fun....but as I started to bounce and sway to the music I felt as if I were in a body that was not at all mine.

Yes, it had been that long since I danced. But as I did my best to hold my own, dancing to the rhythm of the song, I felt as if I were in a body that was not mine. OMG! how I hope no one caught it on video! I felt clumsy and awkward. I felt out of tune, out of rhythm and like a fish flopping on dry land.

Ten years ago, I could have given my cousin's 20-something girlfriend a run for her money -- even though I was much older than her. Now, I felt like Shamu, a tired, beached Shamu, trying fruitlessly to show my power and my grace.

I made it through the dance and was 'oh so grateful' when the DJ then decided to play an old, slow-dancing song.

A chance for this overweight single gal to go back to her seat, catch her breath and take a few sips of her vodka and tonic.

But as I left that evening, I resolved to make a change. I had to lose the weight. I had to get back in shape. Because I wasn't happy as I am. The realization hit me. I didn't want to be the happy, fat, single girl.

I miss my old body (never thought I'd be saying that). But when I look at old pics of myself, at times when I thought I was fat, I realize now, how fabulous I really looked!

I want that girl back. Granted, I wouldn't want to exchange the experiences -- I want the 'old girl' back with my current wisdom and knowledge, but with the old girl's body and drive.

And I realize I can actually, now, have that, albeit with some work.

My God!!! In my 20's, when I didn't need to, I went to the gym 4 or 5 times a week; I did a skincare regimen, I took care of myself. Now, nada!

Not sure how or why all that fell by the wayside. But, no matter ...... this one night, where I got up to dance and felt like I was in someone else's body...it made me realize.... on some level I am NOT being true to myself. And, most importantly, even tho I didn't realize it until now...I am paying the price in a variety of ways -- my health, my self-esteem, my potential.

No more.

From here on in I am officially turning over a new leaf -- and going back to that high-maintenance girl I used to be.