Is Being Good Worth It?

I have a bit of a crush. And I'm not so sure its a good thing.

See, its on someone I shouldn't even think of in a crush sort of way. Its someone who technically, is one of my bosses, but in a very distant sort of way.

Where I work, I'm the head honcho of my department. BUT, I answer to another set of managers who oversee the whole show. C is one of them.

And here's the other thing. While I thought him attractive and very, very nice when we first met, I totally wrote him off as a dating prospect. We're very different, and, well, like I said, he's technically a higher-up.

There have been times where I thought I caught him looking at me in that "sizing up" sort of way; and there have been times where he's popped into my office just to say a quick hello or drop off some files, and ended up staying WAY longer than he needed to -- like, an hour longer.

And other managers have noticed. In fact, 2 of them recently encouraged me to pursue something, and this was without me ever revealing my small, semi-crush.

They say, "Hey, he's single and cute and nice; why don't you go after him?"

And me, being the ever politically correct and anal, "have to abide by the rules" type, I've always blown off their suggestions and denied any interest.

But this week, I had to stop by his office -- and found myself lingering longer than necessary. And today, out of the blue, one of the above mentioned managers brought his name up and said -- I think you should go after him. He's cute, very nice, good job, Jesus, what the hell are you waiting for?

So I did my cynical laugh and denied any interest, and added, "besides, I don't even know that we'd be allowed to date. He's technically one of my bosses"

She smirked, clicked her tongue and said, "Oh for crying out loud -- he's not. He doesn't even have that much to do with your department. If I were you, I'd go for it."

And now, I can't stop thinking about him, or the possibility. And being the anal, over analytical type, I also have to wonder if my recently realized crush is simply due to the fact that I have not had a real date in months? And those I've had in the past year have been total disasters?

Am I really interested in HIM? Or do I just want to date someone?

I have mentioned this crush to just a couple trusted friends. One of them said I always worry too much about this type of "politically correct crap" and end up screwing myself in the long run. And she played dirty, bringing up J.

J. was a frat boy I knew in college. When I just so happened to be working for the student newspaper and was assigned to cover stories about the campus frats and sororities.

He was gorgeous, and sweet, and had the sparkliest blue eyes I'd ever seen then or since.

He was always so nice to me, and every now and again he'd say or do something flirty -- which I conciously ignored, because hey, I was a serious student journalist and no way I was going to jeopardize my journalistic integrity just for the sake of a date with a cute boy.

Then it happened. A week before the semester was to end, I ran into J on campus. We both had time between classes and chatted on a lawn on a mild, breezy late fall day. We were talking and he mentioned his frat's upcoming formal. And then he got all serious and said, "but at this point, I don't even think I'm gonna go. I can't even find a date."

Now believe me -- this guy had it all and my guess is, if he had stood up right there and then and shouted out that he needed a date for Saturday's formal, he would've had to beat a horde of girls off with a stick.

Me, being my anal and self-righteous, Woodward-Bernstein self, said nothing.

So he tried again. "You don't happen to know anyone I could go with, do you?"

At that point, a very big part of me wanted to say, "yeah, I could go with you if you wanted me to." After all, I would only be compromising my inner Lois Lane for one day of a remaining 7 in the semester.

But instead, I shifted from one foot to the other, glanced at my watch, and focused my gaze on the stream of other students walking by, then bowed my head and uttered a quiet, but firm, "No, sorry J., I don't."

Even as I type this now, more than 15 years later, I am filled with regret and kicking myself for having been so FREAKIN' STUPID!!! If I had one moment in my life to relive, that would be one of my top three picks to do over. I would've said yes, bought a very hot dress (because I was a size 4 in college), and had a fabulous nite with J.

Instead, I comforted myself with the fact that I did the right thing, career-wise; That maybe that was a test and obviously, I had what it took to always remain an objective, professional reporter. HA!

Besides, I said on that Saturday nite that was J's formal, as I relayed the story to my roommate over Michelob Lite's, there's gonna be lots of boys in the future. And its the end of the semester anyway -- it would have been one date and then that woulda been it. We'd go home for the holidays, I wouldn't be working the frat beat the following semester and we'd probably not see each other again, since it was such a big campus.

The next semester, I ran into J on campus after the first month or so of school and slyly mentioned that I wasn't writing for the campus newspaper that semester. I was doing layout instead.

He said that was interesting and asked if I liked it. We chatted for a few minutes and did the "see ya around" goodbye. Two weeks later, I saw him again and decided to finally go for it. I flirted. Asked what he was doing that weekend. But instead of telling me where he'd be hanging, he said he hated to rush off, but he was meeting his girlfriend in 10 minutes and was running late.

I kicked myself again. And even shed a few angry tears as I walked away.

Which brings me full circle now. If this crush on C is real, and I do have a genuine interest, but bury it again, like I did when I detected his interest in me a while back but ignored it, and like I did, regrettably with J, both in the name of professionalism, will I live to regret it?

Since he's not a direct boss, would it be okay to pursue more than a professional relationship as some have suggested?

Besides, I'm already looking for another job as I've become frustrated and fed up with things at my current place of employment and hope to be gone in the near future anyway. So why not "seize the day"?

And truth be told, I'm getting tired of always denying myself and my desires simply for the sake of propriety and political correctness and professional reasons.

Having written this, I still don't know what I'll do -- if anything; but this post has made me realize one thing -- the crush is real. And being good is not only not easy, but very frustrating and tiring as well.