Not A Settler

"So, what is the one thing you absolutely won't put up with?" one of my co-workers asked, in regards to relationships.

It was a hard question to answer just off the cuff like that.

Friends and family have often remarked how I'm either unexplicably unlucky in love, or, that things might not be working out because I'm so tough. Meaning, I have standards and requirements I want met, and I'm not settling for less.

There were a couple of men I almost "settled" for and thought about compromising my wants and desires for the sake of having a lasting relationship with them. In hindsight, I'm glad I didn't .

There was one man I would've taken a bullet for, if necessary. Looking back, although the breakup was devastating to me, I'm glad it happened because I don't think I'd be the person I am today, had we stayed together. My life also would be drastically different, and, I think, by now, I'd be bored out of my mind. And most likely frustrated at being a mostly traditional housewife and mother, which is what he truly wanted in a marriage partner. Not that there's anything wrong with that; its just not me.

I won't lie, there's a part of me that craves a man in my life and the security of a committed relationship/marriage; I won't deny there are times when I feel lonely and alone and crave the intimacy and comfort of a stable, loving, romantic relationship. There are days when I truly ache for someone to come home to or to cook for or to snuggle up next to in bed before falling asleep.

But there's another part of me that loves being single and free and takes great pride in accomplishing things on my own. Its hard sometimes, and confusing and terrifying, but the sense of accomplishment, when it happens after ME doing what needs to be done and taking care of what needs to be taken care of, sometimes alone, sometimes with the help of family and friends, that brings me so much satisfaction that I couldn't imagine having attained it any other way. Or having to do it according to someone else's standards or wants.

Its a fine line I walk, between wanting to be with someone and liking things just as they are, thank you very much.

Some don't understand that.

I have relatives and friends who say they couldn't stand to live alone; that they would be afraid to be on their own; others who think its abnormal. That I should be trying harder to find a man, any man. Who cares about standards or what I want. Just find someone so I'm not alone anymore. After all, I'm not getting any younger, right?

Its impossible to explain or defend my lifestyle to THEM.

The bottom line: I don't want to be single forever. I do want to get married one day and have someone to come home to, to cook for, to give me backrubs and bring me flowers for no reason. But I can't give up who I am or what I want either; so if that means waiting a little longer, or maybe even not finding that, then I'm okay with that.

Because, even if I were in a relationship with a seemingly great guy, but one who wouldn't let me be who I was or do the things I need/want to do, I'd be less happy than if I were alone.

I know this because I also have many friends and acquaintances who tell me -- "if you don't want to have kids (which I don't), then don't get married. Its not worth it."

That speaks volumes to me; and makes me realize there are plusses and minuses to both lifestyles. Finding which works best for me, I guess, is the challenge.

So I answered my co-workers question by saying I couldn't put up with someone who was controlling or who would expect me to take on the old-fashioned, traditional, wifely roles, because that is just not me. I need my freedom and my independence and I need someone who trusts me enough and the relationship to allow me to be who I am and to do what I want or need to do. Someone who isn't going to expect my career or life to take a backseat to theirs. Someone who won't expect me to give up my identity or life in order to be a part of theirs.

A male co-worker immediately piped up that relationships take compromise. I agreed; its just that I could not be the one expected to do all of the compromising. I would be miserable and in the end, it just wouldn't work.

There are many men out there, who will talk the party line but don't walk the talk. I've dated quite a few of them. They say they're willing to compromise, and maybe in the beginning, they give on a few small things, but in the end, things have to go according to their ideals, and not yours I'm always glad when I'm able to see through the facade.

I do sometimes wonder if I ever will find someone. I question my standards and my pickiness and wonder if perhaps my expectations are too high.

At the end of the day, though, the reality is this: I don't want a fixer-upper or challenge or a high-maintenance type. Likewise, I don't want someone who is looking for someone who will allow him to have total control in the relationship. And no way I could ever be the nurturing, domestic, June Cleaver-type who would clean the house and pick up his socks and bake homemade bread and cookies each week without complaint. I'm way more complex than that.

I want a partner, a teammate. Someone to share my life with; not a sponge that is going to suck up my life blood and absorb me into their life.

He needs to be sensitive and strong; genuine; honest; ambitious and hard working; encouraging, nurturing, but willing and able to stand up to me; I don't want a wimp; he needs to have his own life and ambitions; we should complement each other and maybe sometimes compete with each other, but at the end of the day know that we 110% support each other and will be there for one another if things don't work out according to plan.

And I'd do the same. I'm not asking for anything that I myself can't, or won't, give.

Most importantly, would be love. They say Love Conquers All. And although I honestly have to say I've seen more unhappy relationships than happy ones, when I do see a happy one, it more than makes up for all the unhappy ones and makes me realize its worth the risk. Its what encourages me to keep on trying.

I think it's why we all keep trying and I hope one day, that I'm one of those lucky ones.