Closure

This past week has been surreal. It started out pretty good. I made a normally long weekend, an extra long one taking off both Friday and Tuesday.

Had a get-together with my old college roommate who was in town for the week, a clandestine happy hour with the neighbors in my backyard, some shopping, had plenty of time to get the lawn mowed, house cleaned and clothes laundered, a first date with a new guy I met, and on Tuesday, I slept in and prepared to just enjoy a day around the house doing whatever the mood struck me to do.

And then the phone call came.

My college friend S, (not my roommate) had been killed in a car crash. The rest of the day was simply numbed by the shock and the realization that something that horrible had happened.

But as I've already blogged, I've continued to go through the motions of daily life, pretty much not grieving. Just perhaps a deep breath here or a melancholy sigh there when I think about S, memories of visits and college and late-nite chats -- all happy thoughts, now suddenly oh so bittersweet.

Tomorrow, I leave for the 6-hour drive to attend her viewing and funeral. A sad trip and one that I'm not really looking forward to, but one I couldn't not make.

Originally, I had intended to stay at a hotel. Her husband has insisted I stay with them. I feel weird doing that, but he was firm in his conversation -- "you're staying here. There are no hotels."

He and I both know S would have wanted it that way too. And truth be told, part of me is glad. Staying at a hotel would make logistics hard. I know where her home is, but don't really know my way around her town very well, and its rural so one wrong turn and you could go miles out of your way. Also, I wasn't looking forward to going back to a hotel after the evening viewing, sitting alone in a hotel room and thinking about the funeral the next day. Lastly, I've been having to budget very strictly lately, and quite honestly, its a blessing not to have to cough up the bucks for a hotel room in addition to the gas to get out there, flowers for the funeral, etc.

And as I was thinking that, it struck me how life trudges on no matter what happens in our lives. I still had to worry about the minute details. Carry through on work deadlines and meet up with friends with whom I had made plans.

When I talked to S's husband and sister today, while I know they are still grieving, they still talked about other things -- a favorite store that had closed in town, the family's recent vacation. I heard the kids talking, and at one point laughing in the background. And I knew that that is how S would have wanted it. Life does go on whether we want it to or whether we're ready for it.

And even while still reminiscing about my friend, I am also thinking about other things. Analyzing the date I had on Monday nite and trying to determine how much interest I have in this new guy. Sending out an application for a job I recently saw advertised that I think will be better than the one I have now. Planning out my next home improvement project.

It still bothers me that I haven't really cried over S's death. But it doesn't surprise me. We were two tough broads, as we used to joke with one another. We put up with no one's bullshit, had a practical and common sense apporach to life, and our friendship was one built on shared good times and humor; where sentiment was conveyed in joke emails, or eye rolls if one of us ever got close to crossing the line of getting emotional.

When S and I discussed problems or issues or personal dilemmas, there was no crying on the other's shoulders or sniffling on the other end of the phone. We bolstered each other up by listening to, but ignoring the emotion, and instead cutting down or advising how to eliminate the thing that was causing the problem in the first place.

My boyfriend wasn't spending enough time with me or was being a prick? "Tell him you want/need him to do x,y or z, and if he refuses or doesn't follow through, then walk" S would tell me, laughing. "Or better yet, give me his number, I'll do it."

Mom driving me crazy, "Awwww, just ignore her. It'll pass"

There were no Oprah or Dr. Phil moments with S. No long, drawn-out soul searching discussions. Identify the problem, think of hte most practical and least time-consuming solution and take care of it. Then compartmentalize. Then afterwards, we could both laugh about it.

I think that's why there's been no wellspring of tears or crying jag. Each time I think of her being gone, I remember something fun we did, or something funny she had said, and I can't help but chuckle.

However, tomorrow and Monday will be very different. It will be a true, final farewell, and no denying that she truly is gone; and all that's left are those fun and funny memories. But that's how she would have wanted it. No use crying over something you can't do anything about, she'd say. Just move on.

I know we all will. I'm just glad for all the memories, and in a way, glad that they are all so funny and happy, that in thinking about her, I'm chuckling instead of crying.