A Very Bad Day

When I woke up this morning, I had plans. Things to do, errands to run, a beautiful late summer day with perfect weather to enjoy.

Of course, as usual, my best laid plans got a bit sidelined early on. I slept in -- longer than I had planned, then got caught up in the morning news and talk shows, and savoring my coffee a bit longer than necessary and before I knew it, it was going for noon and I was still in my PJs.

Before getting dressed, and finally starting my day, I sat down at the computer to check email and read my favorite blogs. As I was getting ready to answer an email from a friend, the phone rang.

It was A., the husband of S. one of my college friends with whom I still keep in close touch with.

Although I thought it odd to hear him on the other end of the phone, I at first thought nothing of it.

I asked how he was doing. He said "not so good." And my heart skipped a beat. I knew this wasn't going to be good.

He took a deep breath and said he was in the hospital, that he and S. had been out with their kids over the weekend and they were involved in a car accident. I asked how everyone was doing, even though I was starting to feel numb.

While I tried to convince myself that he was calling with an update just to let me know, and that they were all going to be fine and he was calling because S was with the kids, a part of me knew better.

I couldn't deny it when he started going into detail about first his son's injuries, then his daughter's than his. "What about S, " I asked. "How is she?" He paused, and I could hear a choked sob.

"She passed," he said, and I took a deep breath. He gave me the details of the accident, how it happened, and all the while I just kept hoping that this was some grand joke S was playing; that in a few seconds, I'd hear her on another line snickering or telling me I didn't sound shocked enough. Laughing that I could certainly do upset, shocked and devastated better than I was.

But it was no joke, and all too real. The reality really set in when I went online to read the accident story in S's hometown paper. No denying it. She was gone. Just like that.

I spent the rest of the day going through the motions. I raked my yard, did my laundry, went to the recycling center and the grocery store. But all the while, S was in the back of my mind. S, and a very disturbing question. "Why aren't I crying? Why haven't I cried? Is there something wrong with me?"

I still haven't cried, but the gravity has set in a bit more now. Now that there's nothing physical around the house left for me to do. And I find myself losing focus fast for things that I've started. I thought about dinner, took the iingredients out of the refrigerator, and then put them back. I watched TV and flicked through channels. And now, I've come back to the computer and answered my emails and now, blogging.

S's family lives 6 hours away, otherwise I probably would have gone to see them. And right now, A, said both his and her families are there doing what needs to be done and that there wasn't anything I could really do anyway.

Its just so damned ironic. Usually, in the summer, I would visit for an extended weekend; we'd go out for seafood, go rafting, sit on her front porch drinking wine and reminiscing about our college days, and she'd bust me about still not having found a man.

This year, I didn't make the trip. She was supposed to come out and visit me this Fall. She wanted to see my new house and visit with me for a change. We talked about it when she called on my birthday a few weeks ago.

The best laid plans......

Within the next few weeks, I'll be the one going out to visit her after all. But there won't be any seafood or wine or boating. It will be to say goodbye. That is most likely when the tears will come.