Flipping through time

Last night I paged through a book I hadn't picked up in some time -- my high school yearbook.

I don't know what prompted me to pull it down off the shelf, but once I had it in my hands, I found myself going through it page by page, studying each one, and remembering the people and events from that time in my life.

I went to a small high school. So even though there were the typical cliques and popular kids and jocks and nerds, we pretty much all knew each other and ostracization was minimal. If nothing else, at least your classmates spoke to you in homeroom.

What did surprise me was that there were a couple of my classmates that I have absolutely no recollection of. Not the face, nor the name, nor can I place them. One kid, I think, was a transfer student who came to us eihter at the end of our junior year, or the beginning of senior year. But still, no excuse.

I was also surprised by how much did come through mind as I flipped through those pages. The teacher several of us girls had a crush on. The one teacher we all despised for her mean temperament and take no prisoners approach to teaching.

Home coming and prom and gym class. All the pics were there, and amazingly, so were all the memories.

Some more recent events however, have overshadowed those memories. One classmate died of a terminal illness a few years ago. One of the popular guys is now an ex-con. A girl from my homeroom is a young widow, and the one girl almost everyone avoided because she was 'weird' is now married to a very successful and well-known local attorney and her picture is in the paper at least a few times a year. Another girl, is perhaps the luckiest of us all as she survived a very serious car accident that by all accounts should have killed her.

Funny how things change and come full circle. Our circumstances really are never permanent. The bad goes away, and sometimes so does the good. All part of growing up; all part of life.

As I flipped through those pages, I had to laugh at some of the things that really bothered me back then -- my hair, my clothes, my weight. Looking back, I realize they were all just fine. And I also realized that we so often put way too much stock in what other people think.

But back then, I felt my clothes weren't good enough because my parents either refused to buy the trendy stuff all the really popular girls wore, in favor of more classic styles that were better made, or they couldn't afford the over-priced stuff that would be out of style forever in a few short months. It bugged me, and now looking back, I really didn't look all that much different from anyone else. (Of course, the uniforms helped a bit -- it was a small private school!)

And some of the boys -- how could I have had a crush on Bill?! He was a skinny, sarcastic imp of a boy back then. And why didn't I see the potential in Matt? He was cute -- but part of the geeky crew. Did I feel somehow better than him?

(On the high school social ladder, I guess I was somewhere in the middle -- not cool enough to be really popular, but not considered an outcast or total nerd.)

If I did, I was wrong. Today, he's a very successful engineer and even dated one of my college friends years after high school graduation -- and she was devastated when after just a couple of dates, he wasn't interested.

As I came to the end of the book, it made me think how our opinions as we go through various stages of our lives are formed so much by others, and how our memories often retain those opinions. Until one day, we happen upon an old photograph, or run into an old classmate, or pick up our high school yearbook, and we realize so much was so better than it might have seemed at the time. And how some of those 'by popular vote' opinions we held were so completely off-base.

Especially now, looking back in retrospect and knowing what we all know now. I guess its called growing up, and today, our lives richer for those experiences, and our ability to look back and compare notes.

For me, it was also a reminder not to get so caught up in the status quo, and keeping up with the joneses and worrying about what others might think or say. I look back somewhat fondly on high school -- altho I wouldn't go back for even a day -- but wonder what it might have been like had I been less reined in and intimidated by what my peers would say or think or how I looked? Better? Worse? More fun?

At this point, I'll never know, but I can't wait for my reunion next spring and getting together with old friends, and foes and allies and those who I didn't take the time to really get to know very well.

Hard to believe its been 20 years since we've all been together. (sigh) In the past, I didn't bother attending reunions. I was busy or didn't care all that much. But now, I'm curious to see what everyone has been up to and how we've all fared after all this time.

And hopefully, those two boys I couldn't remember at all will be there. I wonder what they're up to.