A night of firsts

Last nite I had two firsts.

My first-ever facial, which was wonderful and which I highly recommend, and my first good cry in a really long time. Also highly recommended, and while not wonderful, kind of good in its own twisted way.

Of course, the facial had been planned for a couple of weeks. The crying jag was so spontaneous, it surprised even me. Perhaps it was the relaxation of having the facial and accompanying head, neck and shoulder massage that finally allowed the tears and the emotions that caused them, their due.

My job is stressful and I hate it. Alot to do, too many people to answer to, and way too many personalities and outsiders, vying for their piece of the pie and thinking that I only have to accommodate them.

Well, last month was crazy busy and hectic, but all in all, a good month. I ended it riding a wave of actually feeling upbeat and positive about alot of the aspects of my job. I had gotten alot done, got some positive feedback and felt good about things.

This week however, so many issues just exploded onto the scene, all with imminent deadlines and crises and of course, I'm the only one who can handle it.

The topper was the last phone call of the day. A member business called -- their business was down this summer and fall for the first time in several years. She point blank told me it was my fault. Obviously, as head of my marketing organization, I wasn't doing my job. It was the only reason she could think of that her numbers were off.

Never mind the fact that the economy sucks right now, her business is along a country road, so its a destination, not a passing point, she's cut back on her advertising, and in May, a larger, chain competitor opened up 10 miles away.

Nope, its my fault.

Oh, and btw -- according to her, some of her colleagues at other businesses feel the same way.

I let her vent, told her I had attended a half dozen trade shows to promote our organization and its member businesses, commissioned more advertising this year than in the past three, and that we had gotten over 40,000 leads from that advertising and marketing.

Why it didn't result in an increase in business for her, I don't know. But it is definitely not because I'm not doing my job!

I then offered to attend her group's next meeting to address any problems or concerns.

Please dear God, let me have another job by then.

Right after that phone call, I left the office for my pre-scheduled facial.

"Wow, your shoulders are really tight, I feel like I'm kneading rocks here," Sheryl, said, as I laid on a table with a pumpkin exfoliating mask slathered across my face, and hazlenut oil on my back. "Am I hurting you?"

"Yeah, I said. "It hurts, but its a good hurt. No need to let up or stop"

Driving home, I felt like I had a brand new face, and my back definitely felt better. I felt better.

I heated up some dinner, poured a glass of wine, and chatted on the phone with a friend. When I hung up, my last few moments at work resurfaced, and the tears came. And they just weren't about work, anything and everything that had been bothering me lately, bubbled into my thoughts and out of my eyeballs.

I felt better after about 20 minutes; cleansed, in a way. But today, I'm just tired. I don't want to go to work; I keep muttering "I hate my job" every few minutes. Even the cat is tired of hearing it.

And its not just the job, its that my life in general has been chaotic and crazy and stressful. Money is tight right now, my social life sucks, the friends I want to hang out with are busy or involved and the ones that tend to annoy me, won't leave me alone, and after a year of unsuccessful online dating, I've finally quit, but have no real prospects out there either.

I think it all just came to a head at once.

And I almost feel like having another good cry. But I won't. I'll put on my makeup and go into work and be chipper and upbeat and attack the next pile of stuff and make the pleasant and unpleasant phone calls and get through the day.

But I'm leaving on time, and after a 2-year roller coaster of ups and downs at work, I've learned that this particular job and place is never going to get any better. No matter how hard I work, no matter how much I do, no matter how many improvements I make. Someone, somewhere will find fault; make an issue of something; and blame me for everything that goes wrong, regardless of whether or not its actually my fault.

Besides, I have other things to worry about. I need to undertake some major and expensive home maintenance, which I really can't afford right now, but can't let go. By focusing so much time and energy on work, I've let personal stuff fall by the wayside. There is paperwork to be filed, bills to be mailed, car maintenance, long overdue phone calls to friends, and organizing; and most important, job hunting.

I know things will get better, eventually. They always do. I just hope its sooner rather than later.