Tis the Season

I have no idea what has gotten into me, but I am just bursting at the seams with holiday spirit!

Usually, I don't get in the Christmas mood until, well, just right before Christmas. Seriously. I'm one of those people frantically racing through the mall at 3:30 on Christmas Eve, buying last minute gifts and wrapping paper.

I don't play Christmas carols until just a few days before the actual day, and most often, I'm digging through my CD collection on Christmas Eve after returning from the mall so that I can at least play my small collection of holiday music while wrapping gifts.

But this year -- its different. I'm getting a tree; an honest to goodness six-foot tall tree, not just my 2-ft short tabletop one, and this weekend will be out procuring lights and ornaments and garland, and I'm even thinking about a couple of yard decorations.

I'm in the holiday spirit big-time and it actually feels great.

The past couple of months have been especially stressful, and lately, I've found comfort in just doing simple things for myself. Grocery shopping and buying whole, fresh foods and making myself real meals that require cutting and chopping and cooking on a stove. Making a pot of homemade soup on a cold, windy day. Losing myself in several good books I've recently started. Jamming out to music while doing household chores on a Sunday afternoon. And, letting myself actually call in sickfor two days when I caught myself a death of a cold 2 weeks ago.

And now, with Thanksgiving (one of my favorite holidays) over, I'm ready to start prepping for Christmas. With a vengeance;)

I think maybe its because I now have a whole house to play with, and last year, I was literally moving in over Christmas. But more likely, I think perhaps its an enjoyable diversion.

For the past few months I have fretted and worried over a number of major and minor things -- both on a professional level, as well as a personal one. And now, with the holiday season upon us, I'm ready to lose myself in something that isn't work, has absolutely nothing to do with friends, work, neighbors, co-workers, etc. Just me and my surroundings. Walls and shelves and doorways and rooms don't talk back or tell you they don't like what you're doing or that you're doing it wrong.

So, after work tonite, I'm off to buy my wreaths -- there's a great stand just down the road from here; and I'll hang 'em as soon as I get home.

Tomorrow, is tree day and shopping for ornaments, garland and other decorations.

Sunday, I think I'll finish what I started, maybe log in a couple hours of shopping and then sit back and enjoy the fruits of my labors.

And next week, I"m on vacation. I have already made myself vow not to check or answer work email, and to screen all incoming calls. I'm scheduling lunches with friends, a day trip to the outlets, and a massage.

I'm hoping the R&R and all the fun, self-indulgent stuff I have planned will bring back the spring in my step and clear my head and help me to shift more of my focus to my personal level, instead of to the professional level which has been such a bane for me lately.

Flipping through time

Last night I paged through a book I hadn't picked up in some time -- my high school yearbook.

I don't know what prompted me to pull it down off the shelf, but once I had it in my hands, I found myself going through it page by page, studying each one, and remembering the people and events from that time in my life.

I went to a small high school. So even though there were the typical cliques and popular kids and jocks and nerds, we pretty much all knew each other and ostracization was minimal. If nothing else, at least your classmates spoke to you in homeroom.

What did surprise me was that there were a couple of my classmates that I have absolutely no recollection of. Not the face, nor the name, nor can I place them. One kid, I think, was a transfer student who came to us eihter at the end of our junior year, or the beginning of senior year. But still, no excuse.

I was also surprised by how much did come through mind as I flipped through those pages. The teacher several of us girls had a crush on. The one teacher we all despised for her mean temperament and take no prisoners approach to teaching.

Home coming and prom and gym class. All the pics were there, and amazingly, so were all the memories.

Some more recent events however, have overshadowed those memories. One classmate died of a terminal illness a few years ago. One of the popular guys is now an ex-con. A girl from my homeroom is a young widow, and the one girl almost everyone avoided because she was 'weird' is now married to a very successful and well-known local attorney and her picture is in the paper at least a few times a year. Another girl, is perhaps the luckiest of us all as she survived a very serious car accident that by all accounts should have killed her.

Funny how things change and come full circle. Our circumstances really are never permanent. The bad goes away, and sometimes so does the good. All part of growing up; all part of life.

As I flipped through those pages, I had to laugh at some of the things that really bothered me back then -- my hair, my clothes, my weight. Looking back, I realize they were all just fine. And I also realized that we so often put way too much stock in what other people think.

But back then, I felt my clothes weren't good enough because my parents either refused to buy the trendy stuff all the really popular girls wore, in favor of more classic styles that were better made, or they couldn't afford the over-priced stuff that would be out of style forever in a few short months. It bugged me, and now looking back, I really didn't look all that much different from anyone else. (Of course, the uniforms helped a bit -- it was a small private school!)

And some of the boys -- how could I have had a crush on Bill?! He was a skinny, sarcastic imp of a boy back then. And why didn't I see the potential in Matt? He was cute -- but part of the geeky crew. Did I feel somehow better than him?

(On the high school social ladder, I guess I was somewhere in the middle -- not cool enough to be really popular, but not considered an outcast or total nerd.)

If I did, I was wrong. Today, he's a very successful engineer and even dated one of my college friends years after high school graduation -- and she was devastated when after just a couple of dates, he wasn't interested.

As I came to the end of the book, it made me think how our opinions as we go through various stages of our lives are formed so much by others, and how our memories often retain those opinions. Until one day, we happen upon an old photograph, or run into an old classmate, or pick up our high school yearbook, and we realize so much was so better than it might have seemed at the time. And how some of those 'by popular vote' opinions we held were so completely off-base.

Especially now, looking back in retrospect and knowing what we all know now. I guess its called growing up, and today, our lives richer for those experiences, and our ability to look back and compare notes.

For me, it was also a reminder not to get so caught up in the status quo, and keeping up with the joneses and worrying about what others might think or say. I look back somewhat fondly on high school -- altho I wouldn't go back for even a day -- but wonder what it might have been like had I been less reined in and intimidated by what my peers would say or think or how I looked? Better? Worse? More fun?

At this point, I'll never know, but I can't wait for my reunion next spring and getting together with old friends, and foes and allies and those who I didn't take the time to really get to know very well.

Hard to believe its been 20 years since we've all been together. (sigh) In the past, I didn't bother attending reunions. I was busy or didn't care all that much. But now, I'm curious to see what everyone has been up to and how we've all fared after all this time.

And hopefully, those two boys I couldn't remember at all will be there. I wonder what they're up to.

And the sign says....

I'm a big believer in signs. Now granted, I don't believe that every single thing that happens or doesn't happen is necessarily a sign from above, but sometimes you just can't ignore them.

Case in point -- I HATE my job. Really hate it and all signs for the past year have pointed me in the direction of looking for employment elsewhere. Which I have been doing, albeit not having much luck.

So, for the time being, I simply go in every day, do my job to the best of my ability (because even though I'm miserable and burnt out, I still believe in being professional), and spend my spare time reading want ads and job postings on line.

The resume has already been dusted off and is ready to go, so -- I'm good.

But over the past two weeks, it seems as though I've been bombarded by 'signs' telling me to leave as soon as possible.

It started with an article I was reading in a business weekly. A woman in a very small, rural town had started an internet/computer company and was doing extremely well; so well, that she pays her employees wages that would be competitive in, say, a medium size city because she believes people should be paid their fair market value and not according to their geographic location.

Talk about progressive.

Of course, she couldn't always afford to do that -- esp. when she first set up shop. Tired of the grind and being underappreciated in the workplace, she opted out of the daily 9 to 5 and started her own company. Put in long hours and a few years of very hard work and eventually got to where she is today.

Nice story, but really what's the point? Well, for me, it was one statement that she said that has stuck with me moreso than anything else over the past couple of weeks.

She said, if you're really unhappy with your job, don't just sit around complaining about it or even looking for a new one, get out there and create your own.

That statement and idea has stuck with me since reading it and I swear I hear it in my head at least a half dozen times a day.

Not too long after reading that, I heard an interview on the news. Can't remember who it was, or even whether the businessperson was local or national. But he said something that has stuck with me as well -- "the best, never rest."

Then, yet again, one night while drifting off on the couch, I awoke with three words in my head -- "The time is now". Not sure if it was something I had subconciously heard on the television, or something in a dream.

So, three statements, two different people and one unknown source -- and I can't get them out of my head. While I realize that a part of me truly does love the daily grind (can't believe I said that, but its true), I don't think I'll ever be happy until I'm truly my own boss, nor will I be happy unless I am making a good financial living as well.

(True, one can be poor and happy, but I'd rather be very financially secure and happy:)

On a similar line, I've been feeling the urge to write; really write and work on some story ideas I've been tossing around in my head for years now. I have a feeling that if I really, really applied myself, I could be a successful writer. My problem -- not enough energy or discipline to make it happen.

My ultimate goal has always been to make a living writing books. But for the past 15 years, I'd gotten so caught up in making a living, that I ended up building a career in a field I do like, but at the same time, ignoring something I love because the brunt of my time and energy and focus and discipline was spent on doing the corporate gig.

Granted, I still have to do that. Bills to pay, a mouth to feed, and honestly, I couldn't give up the stability of a set salary and things like medical benefits.

BUT, I realize it has come time to seize the day and force myself to spend more time on creating my own job and really working toward that goal, even if at times, it leaves me exhausted.

Otherwise, I'll end up continuing the rat race cycle. And I'll have refused to follow the signs I've been given and put so much faith in.

So, even though I've said to myself before that I would write more -- I am now committed. I will write daily -- trying to get those ideas formed into more complex plot lines and characters. I'm also planning on taking a week off in the next month or so and using it to treat my writing as a full-time job, for at least that week.

Not much, but its a start. And so much better than just spinning my wheels being good at something in a place where I am truly not happy.

Spring Fever!

In NOVEMBER!

Hard to believe that the first weekend in November, in Pennsylvania, found me mowing the law in sweats and a short-sleeve T-shirt, and opening the windows to let in the warm sunshine and breeze.

Its Fall. Its November. I'm used to walking around in warm, thick cable knit sweaters or a heavy college sweatshirt with a turtleneck underneath.

Amazing.

But I'm not complaining. Yesterday, was a day to hang out in the yard, doing yard work, chatting with neighbors and then sitting on the porch reading for a bit.

The mild temps and bright sun have also helped brighten everyone's spirits. A week ago, having experienced more than a full week of gray skies, rainy days and chilly temps, people were grumpy, lethargic, out of sorts.

This weekend, everyone I met was in a good mood. And energized.

I don't even mind that on a breezy, sunny Sunday afternoon I'm at my office punching out a deadline report. If anything, I'll probably get it done quicker so that I can get out of here sooner and enjoy the rest of the afternoon.

A night of firsts

Last nite I had two firsts.

My first-ever facial, which was wonderful and which I highly recommend, and my first good cry in a really long time. Also highly recommended, and while not wonderful, kind of good in its own twisted way.

Of course, the facial had been planned for a couple of weeks. The crying jag was so spontaneous, it surprised even me. Perhaps it was the relaxation of having the facial and accompanying head, neck and shoulder massage that finally allowed the tears and the emotions that caused them, their due.

My job is stressful and I hate it. Alot to do, too many people to answer to, and way too many personalities and outsiders, vying for their piece of the pie and thinking that I only have to accommodate them.

Well, last month was crazy busy and hectic, but all in all, a good month. I ended it riding a wave of actually feeling upbeat and positive about alot of the aspects of my job. I had gotten alot done, got some positive feedback and felt good about things.

This week however, so many issues just exploded onto the scene, all with imminent deadlines and crises and of course, I'm the only one who can handle it.

The topper was the last phone call of the day. A member business called -- their business was down this summer and fall for the first time in several years. She point blank told me it was my fault. Obviously, as head of my marketing organization, I wasn't doing my job. It was the only reason she could think of that her numbers were off.

Never mind the fact that the economy sucks right now, her business is along a country road, so its a destination, not a passing point, she's cut back on her advertising, and in May, a larger, chain competitor opened up 10 miles away.

Nope, its my fault.

Oh, and btw -- according to her, some of her colleagues at other businesses feel the same way.

I let her vent, told her I had attended a half dozen trade shows to promote our organization and its member businesses, commissioned more advertising this year than in the past three, and that we had gotten over 40,000 leads from that advertising and marketing.

Why it didn't result in an increase in business for her, I don't know. But it is definitely not because I'm not doing my job!

I then offered to attend her group's next meeting to address any problems or concerns.

Please dear God, let me have another job by then.

Right after that phone call, I left the office for my pre-scheduled facial.

"Wow, your shoulders are really tight, I feel like I'm kneading rocks here," Sheryl, said, as I laid on a table with a pumpkin exfoliating mask slathered across my face, and hazlenut oil on my back. "Am I hurting you?"

"Yeah, I said. "It hurts, but its a good hurt. No need to let up or stop"

Driving home, I felt like I had a brand new face, and my back definitely felt better. I felt better.

I heated up some dinner, poured a glass of wine, and chatted on the phone with a friend. When I hung up, my last few moments at work resurfaced, and the tears came. And they just weren't about work, anything and everything that had been bothering me lately, bubbled into my thoughts and out of my eyeballs.

I felt better after about 20 minutes; cleansed, in a way. But today, I'm just tired. I don't want to go to work; I keep muttering "I hate my job" every few minutes. Even the cat is tired of hearing it.

And its not just the job, its that my life in general has been chaotic and crazy and stressful. Money is tight right now, my social life sucks, the friends I want to hang out with are busy or involved and the ones that tend to annoy me, won't leave me alone, and after a year of unsuccessful online dating, I've finally quit, but have no real prospects out there either.

I think it all just came to a head at once.

And I almost feel like having another good cry. But I won't. I'll put on my makeup and go into work and be chipper and upbeat and attack the next pile of stuff and make the pleasant and unpleasant phone calls and get through the day.

But I'm leaving on time, and after a 2-year roller coaster of ups and downs at work, I've learned that this particular job and place is never going to get any better. No matter how hard I work, no matter how much I do, no matter how many improvements I make. Someone, somewhere will find fault; make an issue of something; and blame me for everything that goes wrong, regardless of whether or not its actually my fault.

Besides, I have other things to worry about. I need to undertake some major and expensive home maintenance, which I really can't afford right now, but can't let go. By focusing so much time and energy on work, I've let personal stuff fall by the wayside. There is paperwork to be filed, bills to be mailed, car maintenance, long overdue phone calls to friends, and organizing; and most important, job hunting.

I know things will get better, eventually. They always do. I just hope its sooner rather than later.