A Little R & R

While physically, there is no doubt I am my parents' daughter -- personality-wise, we are worlds apart.

My parents are doers -- in the sense of, they ALWAYS have to be DOING something. Spending an hour or two reading several newspapers, or parking on the porch for hours with a good book, or even spending a rainy Saturday afternoon watching movies -- well, in their minds, you're not really doing anything at all.

I swear, relaxing for my mother is canning vegetables or baking homemade bread the old-fashioned way -- no bread machine in her house! Or, washing and ironing and rehanging drapes.

In a few hours, they get more chores done than I do over an entire weekend! And it sometimes makes me feel lazy. On any given saturday, they're up at 6 and by the time I'm having breakfast, around 10 or so -- she's cleaned the house, done laundry and is invariably cooking something.

Dad has paid the bills, run errands, washed the car and either mowed part of the lawn or trimmed the hedges, etc.

Me, I've woken up and maybe gotten through half of the newspaper and am on my third cup of coffee.

I'm not exactly sure when I got this way. When I first moved out, I kept the habits I had learned in their house. I was up relatively early on weekend mornings. By noon, my apartment was cleaned, laundry was drying and I was on my way out the door to run errands. Somewhere along the way, I gradually switched those industrious habits for more laid-back ones.

While still feeling some guilt, I have to say -- I enjoy taking my time with my morning coffee and perusing the papers. I love to read and over the past year or so, was so overburdened at work that I didn't have the time or the desire to read for pleasure. And I love catching those old flicks on Lifetime and TLC that I happen across on a lazy weekend afternoon. I mean really, what woman can not stop and at least watch part of a Meg Ryan movie marathon weekend, or the film version of a Nora Roberts novel??? Not this girl.

So, I try not to be too hard on myself when I let my laziness take over and instead, allow myself the guilty pleasures. Like today. I took yesterday and today off. Yesterday, I met an old friend for lunch, went to a local farmer's market, then met another friend for drinks and dinner.

Today, I slept in, enjoyed my morning coffee and paper, talked on the phone and spent some fun time on the computer.

I took these days off because I wanted to relax and unwind. And so far, that is exactly what I've done. So for me, definitely two days well spent.

A Long Time Coming

A year and 10 months ago, I stopped blogging. In fact, I stopped doing alot of things.

In the throes of a job that had promised so much and delivered so little, I found myself regularly working 10 and 12 hour days, putting time in on weekends and basically being so stressed and exhausted that I had little room for anything else.

Blogging, reading for pleasure, shopping, traveling -- it all went away, as I focued 98% of my energy on work and the office. When I did take the occasional day off, most times, it was due to illness -- sinus infections, migraine headaches, killer allergies, back or stomach problems.

I felt like a hamster on a wheel, unable to get off. A very tired, frustrated and sad hamster.

A year ago, I left that job and took another. Over the past year, the changes have been amazing! While I'm now working for less pay and prestige, there is less stress, less hours, less minor illnesses and alot more positives.

I moved to another city and am much happier than I was in the small, rural town I had been working in; I've reconnected with old friends, made several new ones and have a social life again. I took my first real vacation in 7 years -- I not only left town, I left the country!

And at least once a week, when either leaving my office, or on my way to lunch with co-workers, I find myself smiling, unbelieving of how much happier I now am and how truly miserable I had been just over a year ago!

I also have more time for socializing, reading, shopping, exercising, and now, have decided to come back to blogging.

Yesterday, I hit a landmark -- my 40th birthday. While physically and even mentally, I really don't feel any different, I have noticed a change in my mindset.

Part of me wonders if, on a professional level, I'm settling. Taking the easy way out, simply because my prior executive-level positions were very demanding, stressful and downright brutal in the politics, powerplays and behind-the-scenes ego trips and personal agendas of those in higher positions.

Should I have stuck it out, worked and fought harder, until either things got better or I found a similar position with better working conditions? Did I cop out? Am I selling myself short?

The new job, while in a city, at a much bigger company, and still somewhat managerial, did include a significant paycut, and a much lesser title. (Although that was more than balanced out by increased vacation time, better benefits and a friendlier, more progressive work environment.)

I am now mulling things over in my mind. If I'm to make another run at the executive brass ring, I'll need to do so within the next couple of years. That will mean yet another change. And that makes me think -- do I want to be the type of person whose main focus and identity is their job? And what will I really have to show for it, in the end?

Right now, I'm loving my life -- something I haven't been able to say for several years now. I work in an office where we all get along, there is a total team atmosphere and it is devoid of the types of politics and game-playing I had to deal with before. I not only have fun after work, I have fun AT work. And I love all the aspects of my job.

I'm happier, healthier, more relaxed. And there is a part of me that has started realizing I think I prefer being a mid-level cog in the wheel, rather than being the wheel, or the one turning the wheel. That perhaps, even though I know I have the smarts for the top position, I don't necessarily have the stomach for it -- and I can be much more effective slightly lower down the food chain.

That thought scares me in a way, because I always took so much pride in being the independent, strong, career-woman. And now, I'm hanging up that hat, preferring the worker bee cap more.

Part of me wants to fight that urge -- to forego happiness and contentment -- in order to rise to the top again. However, I already know from my past experiences, that for me, it was unhappy and lonely, and bittersweet.

So, at the ripe young age of 40, I think I've finally figured out what I want to do with the rest of my life. And the vision has started to become a bit clearer -- I no longer need the title or the big paycheck to find fulfillment. I'm coming to the realization that I'd rather have a more balanced, well-rounded life -- one that allows me the time and focus to participate and enjoy other things.

Next month, I kick-start a new diet and will be taking ballroom-dancing lessons; I"m joining a gym; getting involved in my alumni group, and planning my next vacation -- right now, two very viable choices are Vegas and Spain.

A little over a year ago -- I wouldn't have been able to plan or participate in any of those things. I was living day to day, planning things around my excessive work schedule and sacrificing everything else for the job. And still not succeeding in the way I wanted to be.

Now, I am very fulfilled at work on all levels; and have found more personal fulfillment and personal happiness.

So, I guess maybe I was wrong. I have become different since turning 40!