Simple pleasures

This weekend I got new sheets, a pricey body cream, a fabulous manicure, and a killer bottle of red wine.

Its the simple pleasures sometimes that bring us the most joy.

I've been stressed lately. REALLY STRESSED!

A new job with sets of changes and rules and extenuating circumstances I never could have imagined. A house that was sold, and then, just as suddenly, back on the market and then, thank God, sold again this weekend when I received an acceptable offer and took it. And the financial stressors that come with having a mortgage and monthly rent and a car payment and all the other costs of living all combined into one big money-sucking vacuum.

I debated the sheets and the body cream, and thought twice about the manicure. But, I reasoned, the sheets were a necessity, and the manicure was too, as my nails were looking pretty ratty; the wine was a gift. And the body cream, well, that was sheer retail therapy.

But having treated myself, and not spent an outrageous amount (the wine was actually a gift), I felt a bit better. Not MUCH better. But a bit better.

And it lasted longer than just a few minutes. I just turned the covers down on my bed and caught myself smiling because of the new sheets.

The nails are looking fabulous and with a week of meetings and business lunches and dinners ahead, it was money well spent.

The guilty pleasure of the body cream will pay for itself tomorrow nite when I know I'll come home late, (even though I'm going in for 7 a.m.), take a hot shower and then slather it on before cocooning myself in my flannel PJ's, lighting a candle, and curling up with a good book.

There are so many things I would like to change about some of the things in my life right now. But I honestly can't . I just have to settle for working through them, hoping and planning for the best possible outcome, and living with the end results.

In the meantime, though, I can take refuge in some of the simple things -- like new sheets, flannel pajamas, and rich, creamy, scented body cream. And a glass of that really good red zinfandel. It may not sound like much, but its comfort and in a strange way, helps me escape the insane roller coaster that has been my life lately.

Season of Change

Looking at the calendar today, I'm finding it hard to believe that September is almost over.

Maybe its because I love this time of year -- crisp, clear mornings, chilly, blanket-hugging nights, the required wardrobe changeover -- that I dread the passing of each day because I know it means it'll all soon (too soon) come to an end.

Fall has always been a time of renewal for me. Moreso than New Years and its peer pressure-induced New Year's resolutions.

I find myself wanting to be more active once the heat of summer has receded. I eat healthier because its a time of year when I actually like to cook, preferring to have the house gradually warm up after I get home from work from my bustling about the kitchen and the stove going full force with pots on top and something baking within. I spend more time outdoors oohing and aahing at the changing leaves and I find myself walking more. For some reason, I just feel better.

And I even look forward to those first cold nites or really chilly and crisp mornings that require turning on the heat. Hearing the furnace cranking after its long summer rest, and feeling the rush of warm air coming through the vents, is, in some bizarre way, comforting.

All this usually means I'm at my most productive and feeling my best, both in body and mind. I find myself organizing things more and purging my house and office and storage areas of things I no longer want or need. I think perhaps that "back to school" mode is something I never really outgrew.

And fall has always been a season of change for me. I tend to make my resolutions now, rather than in January. I almost always renew a long-expired gym membership or join another fitness club or group this time of year. Going back over my resume, I've started most new jobs in October (no reason why), and its when I tend to reinvent myself -- trying a totally different hairstyle or color, or completely revamping my wardrobe.

This fall is no different. My cooking inclinations are in full drive -- I've cooked more this past week than I have over the past 2 months combined. I've vowed to quit junk food cold turkey and had salad for lunch 4 times this week. I have 3 garbage bags full of clothes that I've determined are no longer 'me' and am taking them to Goodwill. I'm growing my hair.

AND, as has happened several times over the past 12 years or so -- I'm taking my life in a whole new direction. Not a new job. I did that in the spring. But in a few short weeks, I'll be leaving this house I've called home for the past 2 years, a house it still kind of hurts to give up, to move closer to where I now work.

The 75-minute, one-way commute has been exhausting, and besides that, the job required that I move when I took it.

In only 3 weeks, I will close on the sale of my house, and move to a new town, and a new house. I'm excited and nervous, and okay, maybe a little scared. But something in my gut tells me this new place is where I need to be. That good things are going to happen there.

So, as I slowly start cleaning out closets and cupboards and pack up the things I'll be taking with me, I do so in a bittersweet, yet anticipatory way.

The only thing I can compare it to is when I left home to go to college -- scared and anxious, yet chomping at the bit, at the same time.

That worked out very well -- I LOVED my college years -- and so now, with that experience behind me, I'm going with my gut and diving in to this new life adventure. And I truly can't wait to see what the future holds!

That's Just Life

Hard to believe its been just a little over two months since starting the new job. It feels like I've been doing it forever and like my first week, all at the same time.

Some things are decidedly different. Unlike the old place, the new support staff is extremely confident, self-thinking and self-starting, making the transition much easier than I had anticipated. Instead of having to give detailed instructions like before, I find I start to tell them to do something only to find out they've already taken care of it.

What a relief!

Not to say it hasn't been without problems or challenges -- because it has, but overall, so much better. This past week, I vented to more than a couple close friends about organization politics, a particular officemate I find it hard to trust because she had applied for the job I ended up getting, and just trying to keep things running smoothly both in the career arena and the personal one.

"Why can't anything I ever do just be easy?" I whined to at least two girlfriends. "Why is it, whenever I do something, it is always so hard and so complicated? Just once, just once," I whimpered, "why can't something go off without a hitch?"

I was feeling very self-pitying until S finally said, "ya know, its not that unique, that's just life. That kind of shit happens to everybody all the time, not just you. And hey, it could always be worse -- you could have cancer or be homeless, so count your blessings."

At first, I was pissed. How dare she minimalize my problems. But then I realized, she was right.

I got a bit more understanding from L, who said maybe I was just being tested, and that in the end all the difficulties and complexities I seem to encounter would make me stronger and make my accomplishments that much more satisfying and rewarding.

I realized she was right too.

So now, I'm focusing on all the positives. And some of those positives are pretty cool.

I come home everyday exhausted -- but in a good way -- having put in a full day of mental gymnastics, administrative strategizing and learning more about a whole new field. Just a few short months ago, I was coming home exhausted from anger, stress and the frustration of feeling like I was going nowhere and the worse feeling of that no matter what I did, it wasn't right and wasn't going to make a difference to anyone.

My feet hurt -- every day; and that's actually a good thing. Because for the first time in years, I have to dress up for work every day, including wearing heels. I used to do the business casual thing with flats and sandals, wearing khakis and T-shirts most days in the office. No more. I look the part of the executive, and unlike some who say they work better in their jeans or jammies because they're so much more comfortable, I work better when I look the part. Just makes me feel more competent for some reason. So what if my toes look like jarred herrings for the first hour after I get home. I'M WEARING HIGH HEELS ALL THE TIME NOW!

I'm getting back to having 3 separate wardrobes again -- work, casual work for dress down Fridays and other days when I really don't have to dress the part, or wake up too late to take the time to dress the part (lol;) and my going out clothes. which have also gotten a revamping thanks to Stacy and Clinton from "What Not to Wear"

Lastly, I DON'T HATE MY JOB ANYMORE. Sure there are moments where I feel like I can't handle all the responsibility that I took on when I accepted it. Where personalities bug the hell outta me, or I get paranoid that I'm not going to meet expectations. But then I dig in, and make some progress, and get things done.

And lastly, I've realized my two main professional flaws -- disorganization and lax communications skills -- not all the time, but enough that I know I need to work on it. I forget that my co-workers don't realize I've finished something simply because I put it in my done pile, without letting them know. But these are fixable and it was actually today that I realized improvements in these two areas will go a long way in making my job easier in the long run.

Oh, that, and procrastination. I have to stop procrastinating no matter how much I'm convinced I work better under the extreme pressure of a looming deadline.

So, after my two-week pity party bemoaning some of the hurdles I've encountered here, I've realized (thanks in part to my friends) that these problems are not unique or career-ending or life ending. And most importantly, I realized they're fixable. Easily fixable.

Just like my lacksadaisical blogging. All I have to do, is do it!

With the blogging done and my other problems solved, its time to kick off the high heels, have some dinner and enjoy my evening. Which will be more enjoyable now that I've kind of rounded the corner on the first few hurdles of the new job and am on my way to finding my groove in this new chapter of my life.

Getting It Done

Exactly 8 days ago today, I walked out of my office for the last time, and it was the weirdest departure I've ever made from a job.

Those who know me well, know that I basically have hated this job from Day One. But that doesn't mean it still doesn't become a part of you, and that you don't care about the job you do, while you're doing it.

I'm one of those pathetic saps. I may hate the job, hate the higher ups, maybe even hate my officemates. But I'll be damned if I'm gonna be unprofessional. So I throw myself into the tasks at hand until their completed to my satisfaction, compartmentalizing all my other feelings of hatred, misery, contempt, et al.

And now, the new chapter.

I have two weeks off before I start the new position. A much needed break, and, I'm embarrassed to admit, I spent most of this week doing nothing. But while part of me feels guilty, another part of me is convinced I had been so stressed out the past few months, that once I left the job for good, my body heaved a huge sigh of relief, letting go of all the tension and strain that had kept me wound tight as a drum and therefore anxious and antsy and full of nervous energy most of the time. Without that, I can now mentally and physically relax.

So, today, I finally got my butt in gear to go buy some very large plastic storage containers so I can begin packing those things I don't really need. That way, when I sell the house and find a new apartment, I'll have a lot less to pack and the final move will go more smoothly.

The only thing, I hate packing and unpacking, most likely because I'm a horrible packrat and tend to accumulate a lot of stuff.

As I started pulling things from closets, picking out what to toss, what to keep, what to give away, I just could not focus my attention or energy at the task at hand.

It was just a little over a year ago that I moved into this house. And after that process, I swore I'd never move again. (Little did I know, huh?)

So now, faced with the task again, its even more overwhelming. Probably because I now have even more stuff.

I am amazed at what I have amassed over the year! What's even worse, as my hand moves to toss something into the throw away, or the give away pile, another part of me pulls back, and thinks perhaps I should hold onto it. Sheesh. Talk about counterproductive.

So I pack a bag, or get rid of some stuff, then make a phone call; then fill one box, and blog, and on and on.

In a little while I have to meet some friends for dinner. I was thinking I should cancel because I got such a late start today, but have decided since its seldom we get to see each other these days, I should keep the date. So I am. Maybe after dinner, I'll come home and my night owl tendencies will kick in and I'll work at packing more stuff for at least a couple of hours.

If not, my disciplinarian self is going to have make an appearance, forcing me out of bed early tomorrow so I can get some stuff done!

Only one more week of vacation to go, and then I'll be busy learning a new area, a new job, and trying to sell a house.

No rest for the weary I guess.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

If I actually wore berets, on Thursday afternoon I would have been standing in the middle of the street tossing mine playfully into the air ala Mary Tyler Moore.

Luckily for all passing traffic, I don't, but that was the kind of mood I was in on Thursday.

I accepted the job offer, and altho I only got a small part of my counter-offer, with each passing hour since I accepted, I've been overtaken by my gut feelings that it was the oh-so-right decision.

No regrets. Maybe just some bittersweet partings of the ways.

I'm really, really gonna miss this house. This old country house that really is a blank slate on the inside because its decor is so outdated, it needs some major renovations. I had been planning on starting that this spring, with new carpeting and paint downstairs, along with new drapes for the living room and parlor, and possibly, inside shutters for the kitchen windows.

There's one trip to Home Depot I won't be making. And one transformation I had been planning for months, but won't be part of.

But in a way, part of me is actually looking forward to going back to apartment living. While I absolutely adore this house, its been alot of work -- twice as many rooms to clean, a very large lawn to mow from April through October, as well as shoveling snow, re-graveling the driveway, etc.

Domestic life, at least, will be so much simpler.

And new people and places to discover. Its a change of pace I think I really did need for quite some time now. I love my friends, neighbors, some of my professional colleagues, but lately, it just hadn't been enough. No stimulation, no excitement. Part of me knew it, another part of me didn't want to admit it.

Sure I'll stay in touch, but it will be refreshing to develop a new circle of friends and colleagues.

Besides, there's no going back now. I've already gotten my acceptance letter and start date and turned in my resignation and told friends, family and professional colleagues I was going. And once I did, it was such a huge weight off of my shoulders.

Yes, things are going to be changing drastically for me in the coming months, but I truly believe, at this moment, that's its going to be a very, very good thing.

Decision-free

All I want, right now, at this moment, is one day where I don't have to make any decisions.

Where everything either goes smoothly, or someone else decides.

I'm tired, and cranky, and just off of a day where I was given a major, major life-altering decision, and I swear, I just can't handle one more person asking me another, mundane, 'what should I do, where should we go, type of question!

I work in a small office with two women who are both over 40 yet most of the time have the decision-making capabilities of my 10-year-old niece. Were I the type of boss who screamed and shouted if they made the slightest of errors or misjudgements, I could understand.

But I'm not. So I am literally flabbergasted when I get a question like, "look at these labels. do you think that font is okay?"

Or, my personal favorite, "come out here and look at the dumpster; its kind of full and I don't know whether or not I should throw any more stuff into it."

Then there's the friends. It happened innocently. A friend emailed and asked about grabbing dinner or drinks after work. I'm flat out broke and told her so. She offered to pay. I debated. I should have stuck with no.

Finally, about an hour ago, I said, 'yeah sure. why not? and suggested going somewhere for pizza since there are tons of places and its relatively cheap.

She replied back that yeah, pizza would be fine. "where should we go?" she asked, but then added that she needed to run errands and would be in a specific area of town. So, why not just say, I need to go here and there's this place nearby, since we now obviously have to go near to where she needs to be?

I fumed, but let it go. Fumed for maybe no good reason, except its been a stressful week.

She then emails back and says she can't make it until 6:30. I was hoping for around 5:15. I'm tired and hungry and don't want to do work in my office and then have to drive out of my way an hour later than planned just to eat a couple pieces of free pizza.

So now she's suggesting doing it another time, because I had told her I hadn't wanted to go that late. I can tell she's pissed -- she's doing the whiny, victim email. Well, since I have to be here to wait for this draft to be done, and then go here and pick up this....blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And I'm sorry, but I just don't have the stomach for it at this point.

I'm tired, I didn't sleep well last nite, and for the past 48 hours I've been thinking non-stop about a decision I have to make concerning my job and my home and my future.

A few weeks ago I interviewed for another job. It looked promising and I knew when I left I had really done well in the interview. I wasn't surprised when I got called back for a second interview. That was yesterday. And it wasn't just a follow-up interview, it was an offer.

An offer that was not what I had been hoping for, but still very much worth considering. The bad side, I'd have to move, meaning I'd have to sell the house I love, pack up and start new somewhere else. From homeowner back to renter within just over a year.

Not necessarily a bad thing, but it leaves alot of room for worry and analysis and "I wonders"

Still, I think the opportunity for upward movement with this new company is much more promising and will be much better for my long-term career than staying where I'm at now.

I just have to wait for the call back because I did try to negotiate a counter offer. I'll find out by tomorrow if that was successful or not.

So a major decision that I've had to come to within the past 2 days while also having to deal with "should I throw any more garbage in that dumpster, because its getting kind of full?"

Egads.

A friend of mine had a date the other nite. An honest to goodness date where the guy picked her up, drove them to the place that he had picked out, and bought her a nice dinner complete with wine and dessert and great conversation.

Its been so long since I've had that. The past year or so, my dates have been the online variety, wehre you email, eventually phone and then agree to meet in a public place that you each drive to seperately, to ensure safety and a quick escape should they not work out well.

Which means the inevitable, "where do you want to go" question that most guys force you into answering, and then having to drive yourself to the date, drive yourself home and sometimes, even paying for half of it.

Just one day, that's all I ask. One day, where nothing presents itself needing a major decision; where things easily fall into place, and I can just 'be' and not have to worry about making sure my little part of the universe runs efficiently. And maybe, maybe eventually, a real honest to goodness old-fashioned date where I meet the guy in real time and real life first, instead of last, and have a first date story that draws oohs and ahhs, instead of eeks and acks, and laughter.

Is all that too much to ask?

So Far, So Good

Well, so far, the New Year's resolution is holding.

I know, I know. Not even a full week since I actually made it, but hey, I count my progress in baby steps. Its more impressive that way.

So anyhoo, this weekend I was quite the social butterfly -- doing more socially, as promised.

Saturday, not only did I meet a friend for dinner and a movie, but after that little outing, I came home, freshened up a bit, and about an hour and a half later, I was back in my car, on my way to meet another group of friends at a local bar, for karaoke, of all things.

But I have to admit. Change is hard. After coming home from the movie and dinner, I flopped on the couch until it was time to meet my friend Mike and his crew. Lo and behold, Grease was on, and I got a phone call from a friend, and I actually toyed with the thought of bagging the bar outing in favor of staying in for a repeat watching of Grease and some girl talk.

I didn't, though. I stuck to my guns and had a really good time. Met 8 new people. They're a great group, and at the end of the nite, which happened to be after 1 a.m., we all said our goodbyes and that we'd all have to get together again soon.

Once home, I couldn't believe I had stayed out that late. Seriously. I can't even remember the last time I was out until 1 a.m. -- boring 30-something that I've become! But it was fun. And so glad I went. Mike checked in with me on Sunday to make sure I really did have a good time and has already extended an open invite for upcoming weekends.

I think I'll be taking him up on that offer. (Not every week -- I can only handle so much karaoke, and these guys are addicted -- but it was fun and something I'd actually enjoy doing again on a semi-regular basis.)

Then on Sunday, it was a lunch date with my godmother to exchange xmas gifts while imbibing flavored martinis.

Last nite, met my friend Ellen for dinner, which was nice as we hadn't gotten together in months.

So, not bad. Had fun, got out, and kept my resolution.

Tonite, I'm staying in. I have tons to do, and can use the R&R. Not to mention needing to catch up on laundry and other household stuff. I did resolve to do more of everything, after all.

Upping the personal ante

For at least the past half dozen years or so, my one and only New Year's resolution was to not make any New Year's resolutions.

Prior to that, I did make them. Religiously. And they were always the same, year in and year out, because every year, without fail, I broke each and every one of them.

Lose weight; be more organized; procrastinate less; work out more; be ON TIME; quit smoking, etc, etc, etc.

But this year, I guess I just feel the need to have some goals for myself. I feel as though I'm at a point where my life needs an overhaul. Or at least a tune-up.

Granted, I am not completely goal-less. I have things I'm striving for. So it would be redundant to repeat them as resolutions.

So, instead, I've opted to make just one resolution and be sure to stick with it. To accomplish it. And not feel that resignation and sense of failure we all feel when in March, we realize most if not all of our New Year's resolutions have fallen by the wayside.

My single and simple resolution for 2006 is this: Do More.

More of what? At this point, I'm not completely sure. But it hit me one day that the lethargy I've been feeling as of late is due to more than just stress and overwork. I think its that I've used the stress and bad job situation and long hours as an excuse to become undisciplined.

I've stopped pushing myself, allowing myself to wallow in stillness as compensation for those things that negatively impact my life and over which, I have no control.

Like a well-meaning mother trying to cure her child's bad day at school or being called names on the playground with a cookie or a trip to the ice cream shop, I've tried to heal my stresses and upsets and dissatisfactions by allowing myself to not do anything, if it truly didn't have to be done. All the while saying I was tired, burnt out from work, etc., so I deserved the down time.

Thing is, too much down time is not a good thing. One gets lazy. One starts preferring nights in with DVDs to actually going out and doing things with others. One ends up watching way too much TV. Things don't get done when they should or maybe as much as they should.

Lately, I've found myself in awe of some individuals I've either met or read about who seem to do soooo much on a regular daily basis, and have accomplished so much for the stage of their lives at which they're at.

I'm tired of admiring. I want to be one of them.

So starting now, its out of the comfort zone for this girl; and back out into the world of doing, and self-imposed activity and more social outings, and yes, chores. No more dishes in the sink or ridiculous laundry pile-ups.

Moss doesn't grow on a rolling stone, and I realize its high time I get myself back in the game. On all levels.

My goal is that in 2006 I spend less time on my couch and more time going out, having fun, working out, reading, writing and accomplishing. In summary, DOING.

I'm starting by making myself do at least one thing each day that I normally wouldn't have made the time for -- whether it be something as simple as cleaning out a closet, or baking brownies or writing, or calling friends.

And I'm hoping that come March, instead of being by the wayside, my resolution will still be very much a part of my daily life.

And then maybe, I'll be able to work on all those other long-forgotten ones -- like being on time, and losing weight and procrastinating less. (yeah, right)