Longing To Be Held

I woke up this morning from a dream in which I was being held in an unknown and faceless lover's arms.

It was so vivid that it actually felt real, and even though as I woke, I knew I would be alone, a part of me half-expected to be with someone.

Who that someone would be is anybody's guess. I haven't even had a date in over a year, let alone someone in my bed. But the feeling was nice and got me to longing in a way I haven't for quite some time.

See, I'm one of those girls who are totally okay with being single and alone. I'm blessed with a close, tight-knit, albeit perpetually frustrating family; a job I love and that fulfills me; and great friends who comprise the foundation of my social life who I do a wide variety of things with -- from book clubs to happy hours to concerts and lectures and movies.

I'm also very picky when it comes to being interested in a man, and I'll admit, there is a part of me that I guess is a relationship-phobe. My current life is comfortable, happy, predictable, simple and I like it. Relationships on the other hand, can be complex, gut-wrenching and infuriatingly frustrating at times.

So even when I do find myself missing a man's presence, and let's be honest, the sex -- it usually passes, sometimes via a few cocktails and commiserating phone call with a friend in similar circumstances, or I get through it myself.

This morning was different. After awakening, I wanted to immediately plunge myself back into a deeper sleep, so I could enjoy being held a few minutes more.

That wasn't happening. I spent an additional 10 or 15 minutes lazily lounging in bed, arms wrapped around my pillow, letting myself slowly wake up and daydreaming about several past boyfriends and lovers and the ways they had held me -- in bed, lounging on a couch, while hugging.

Sad? Maybe. Would I have prefered a pair of real, male arms at that moment? Definitely.

But I'm a realist. Wasn't gonna happen, and allowing myself to wallow and get depressed would only ruin a gorgeous spring day, which so far, I am thoroughly enjoying. So I lolly-gagged in bed awhile, then got up and did my normal Sunday routine -- pot of coffee, the paper, big breakfast.

Yet, even as I sit here blogging, a month after starting my clean slate here and my broken vow to blog much more frequently, I'm still thinking about waking up hours ago, feeling as though I was being held, and the fact that during that dream, I was soooo loving it!

Perhaps it's a feeling of long and deeply buried loss finally making it to the forefront of my mind; maybe it was the final scene in a movie I had watched the night before; or maybe a premonition of things to come?

Or, more realistically, maybe it's my subconcious telling me that I'm finally at a point in my life where I'm ready to accept a relationship, a commitment; at a point where I'd actually get more enjoyment from one, than fear or upset.....